Death isn’t funny. I know that. People live, you get attached, they die, you get a little pissed off. I understand that. But we can not evade death. Well I guess theoretically you can, but then you’re probably going to gonna see some crazy ass vision where all of your friends die, let’s say it’s a plane trip, so you get some of your friends off the plane. Oh shit, now death is out to get your asses! Now slowly, your friends start dropping one by one in some crazy-ass, unbelievable way. Inevitably you’ll die. Unless you avoid death again! Then that opens like so many windows! So much that you could probably fill like 5 movies about it…. Okay so maybe I watched Final Destination too much.

So death sucks. But what does that mean to you? You should lead a kick-ass life, right? Right! Create a list of things your gonna do before you kick the ol’ bucket, before you croak, before you breathe your last breath, before your vital signs flat-line, before… well before you die. These are somethings that I’ve masterfully put together that you SHOULD have on your bucket list.

1. Pretend to be senile.

When I get old, I am definitely going to abuse my seniority. I am going to pretend to be senile until I am actually senile. Frown as you might, but don’t act like you don’t want to be able to “accidentally” take something from a store, only to be pitied for being so elderly. Or you know…. Occasionally “forget” where your restroom is and just drop a steamy dump onto the floor, which somebody else will pick up for you! Okay, maybe not occasionally. Maybe like everyday, every time I have to shit.

2. Pretend not to hear people.

Not trying to over use my old-person-privileges here but hear me out! (Pun intended.) There are so many people NOW that I wish I could just ignore. But I can’t really get away with it, because people know I don’t have any hearing issues.

3. I want to use a t-shirt gun.

Because America.

4. Buy A Parrot. Name him Rick James. Teach him too scream “IM RICK JAMES BITCH!”. Just that phrase. To anything anyone tells him, that will be Rick James’ response.

5. Meet an Irish, Ginger, Midget. Befriend him. It has to be a him. Buy him a leprechaun outfit. Obtain pot of gold. Make leprechaun, ginger, midget chase me.

6. Own A Jetski. Insist I take it everywhere with me.

7. Own a pug. This is a retirement dog. Pugs take a lot of work, and need lots of attention. But dammit are they cute.

8. Find everyone who ever told me I can’t, and tell them that I did.

9. Meet a famous person, I mean really famous, not like David Hasselhoff famous.

10. Stop the destruction of ant habitats. Only you can prevent the kickage of ant piles. They’re just being ants man, they don’t go around fucking with your house, spraying you with poison. Leave them alone.

11. Visit Disney World, AND Disney Land. In the same week.

12. Dress up as Jehovah’s witness for Halloween one year. To make this more satisfying, you could pinpoint every home of members of the LDS Church in your town, and target them specifically.

13. This is a case by case thing, but if you ever become a doctor, change your last name to “Acula”…So your name is Dr. Acula….You get it.

14. Go to Mars. Check this article out. 

15. Study the planet Uranus. Become an expert on it. So that when somebody asks you what you do… You reply with “I study Uranus.” *Dying Laughing*