These three words men fear the most.

“I am pregnant.” My girlfriend whispers, fighting back the tears. She doesn’t know whether to feel sad, or happy. She is more afraid of my reaction. She hopes that I will be okay. She prays silently. She wasn’t expecting a family this soon, but now here it is. It’s read and now she had to be. She had bottled this secret inside for a week and a half, afraid to tell me because she was fearful of what my reaction would be. She fidgeted with the bottom of her blouse as she awaited my response…

“OH HELL NO! GURRRL YOU BEST BE PLAYIN’!” I screamed as I invited my pregnant girlfriend to go to the batting cages with me.

Okay I don’t really know how I’d react if my girlfriend discovered she was pregnant, but I can say a few of the emotions I feel NOW about it. Fear, fear, fear…. and fear. Basically because I just don’t feel like I could handle a baby at this point in my life. It seems so life suckingly exhausting. Not to mention that even before the little crib midget is even born, you gotta deal with a preggo girlfriend, with a monster attitude and a hurricane of emotions. Guys, take from me. Listen to the advice I am about to reveal to you. Just. Get. A. Dog.

Yes, get a little furry, canine companion to fill her needs to nurture something. Okay fine, she didn’t actually birth it. But that’s nothing a surgeon costume, some ketchup, and a little roleplay can’t fix! Besides, a dog is wayyyyyyy cooler than a baby. Human babies suck! They do! Babies Suck! And here is a list of 5 reasons why dogs are better than babies.

1. Dog’s can walk.

Yeah, that’s right! While it usually takes up to a year or more for babies to make a first step, dog’s need only like 4 weeks. TOPS. I’ve had pups that start before that. They don’t need us to hold their paws, and wobble them around the house like a damn penguin, NO! Dog’s are independent, and majestic creatures that don’t need no man! Babies, need a special device called a walker before they even start to stand up on their own! They need mommy and daddy to stand 2 feet away with a Nilla cookie, coaxing them into making their first step. And when they do, finally, make that first baby step, by God we praise the Holy shit out of them. We record it, we post it on social media, we tell our Aunts, and neighbors, and friends about it. And dogs what do they get? Hell they do it so quick that we humans hardly notice that they ever DIDN’T walk. WHY? Because babies suck.

2. Dog’s don’t shit on me.

Usually, if the dog is mentally stable, there should be no problems getting the dog not to shit or piss on you. On the floor, maybe. But once they realize you don’t like it when they unleash their excrement onto your freshly steam cleaned carpets, they stop! They speak to themselves, and they say,

“Hey, this is my bud, Steven’s carpet, and he doesn’t particularly enjoy it when I shit on his things. I’d hate to be a dick, so I’d better stop. Maybe I’ll just shit on this particular spot, where he puts a pad down for me to shit on. How nice. Maybe I’ll just fucking circle around the door, until he realizes that I have to shit! Yea, it might hurt to hold that long, but that’s okay! Considering the language barrier between my owner and I , I think I can deal with the pain of my bladder!”

Plus, when dog’s do shit on the carpet, they always look ashamed of themselves. Like they’re sorry for doing it. Most the time it’s actually OUR fault the dog didn’t get outside to shit. We weren’t home, or we weren’t paying attention. Nevertheless, the dog feels that it’s their fault! Such humble creatures. Babies just shit as they please, hell they’re so lazy they don’t even warn you. They just grunt and spray the bottoms of their diapers with shit. And then they get pissed off at YOU for not changing their shitty diapers, at the exact moment that they shat themselves. Babies suck.

3.Dog’s can eat whatever the fuck they want.

Dog’s suck on their mother’s tit for like 4 weeks. Then it’s off to eating regular ass dog food, or whatever the fuck else their owners give them to eat. Hell they already have teeth by this time. They are already ready to be meat eating machines, and yet they eat that nasty Kibbles N’ Bits shit we feed them. Do they complain, hell no! They actually get excited about their shitty food! They’re just grateful that they get to eat! They don’t need humans to process ground up beef or chicken for baby dogs, and spoon feed them when they’re being assholes and wont even take a bite. If a someone saw another person putting a puppy in a highchair, putting a bib around it’s neck, and trying to spoon feed it puree forms of chicken and beef… they’d probably call animal control. Babies… well… Babies suck. Babies just suck. literally, they suck a fucking bottle for a long ass time until they get “big” enough for ground up apples and carrots. Then they act like little dicks, and won’t even take a bite when you try to feed them, you know because they can’t eat by themselves of course. We, adult humans, make up little games where we pretend a spoon is an airplane to try to entertain our babies enough for them to accept our spoonfuls of food. We are not their fucking servants! We shouldn’t have to convince our babies to eat, and they shouldn’t be allowed to judge our presentation of entertainment by choosing to eat, or not to eat. Babies suck.

4. Dogs aren’t selfish.

Picture this, you’re laying in bed asleep one night. It’s roughly 3 am. All of a sudden your dog starts screaming from his dog bed. You get up and run to his room, yes the dog has its own room alright go with it, and you rush to it’s side. You don’t know what the fuck is wrong, but he won’t stop screaming! You try everything, giving him his bone, chew toy, food, Nyquil. But nothing you use works! The thing is, he’s screaming because he’s attention hungry! He’s not even upset, he is just screaming to make you come to him! Because you do! Everytime! ….see except, not. Dog’s don’t do that. Babies do. Because babies suck.

5. You can leave a dog at home.

It’s a simple as this. Answer these questions for me:

Is it okay to leave my dog at home by itself? Explain.

Yeah of course right? Because he can watch out for himself, and he can keep himself company, and not die. Most importantly he doesn’t need anyone to babysit him, to ensure that he doesn’t die. On to the next question.

Is it okay to leave my baby at home by itself? Explain.

No.

It’s not okay.

The baby will surely die.

Because…

Well..

Because babies SUCK!!!

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